I just recently found your writing and today I was finally read this first "episode". I believe in my first entry I had written about how I've changed my mind about so many things based on listening to others experiences, scientific data and sometimes just changing myself as I age. I really love how you challenged yourself. I'm sure you lost a lot of "friends", been there. Will be reading your second entry today. Good read.
Oh my god! What a horrific experience. Now I understand why you've protested the cancel culture. I just finished reading "Say the right thing" (https://www.amazon.com/Say-Right-Thing-Identity-Diversity/dp/1982181389) The two authors discussed the cancel culture and discussed it at length.
The clearest reason to not join the cancel culture is because everybody will make comments that are suspect (I like humor and I'm sure some things have landed badly despite my attempts at being loving and funny). Approached the right way, about 80% of the people want to do the right thing (20% couldn't be bothered, unfortunately). As UUs, it should be really easy to forgive violators as we supposedly aim to respect the dignity and worth of every person.
That has to mean when they do both good and bad stuff. As Bryan Stevenson reminded us "no one is the worst thing that they've ever done".
Kier, I had a similar experience, when I was about your age, after I returned home from the Vietnam War. In Army training you don't question your orders, but towards the end of my tour, I knew we were going to lose. When I got back Stateside, liberals called us "Baby Killers" and the World War 2 Vets called us losers, for not winning our war. While dining at a college cafeteria, a woman tried to get me to go with her to a place, where I could take a test to find out who I really am. I told her I already know I've done bad things, and don't need any written examination. Upon sharing this story with friends, they told me she might have been part of a cult that often visits campuses, trying to recruit young people, who are in flux. Guess one of the benefits about my "Nam" tour was recognizing a BS line ! Glad you are gaining more insight of yourself and providing this platform !
Hey David—what a mysterious moment on campus! I can't imagine how devastating it was to come back from Vietnam to such a reception. But that silver lining, of being able to spot manipulation more readily, sure comes in handy, doesn't it? Nice to hear from you.
This really hit home--I've watched cherished online communities get torn apart with recriminations which no apology however sincere or abject could satisfy. The sheer speed at which relationships which had lasted years could collapse--the way people could have their entire value as a human being seemingly judged on the basis of a single comment that they didn't understand might cause offense; or to be reviled as worthless or evil for trying to repair relationships or turn down the heat and rebuild the community. It was astonishing how much pain people were willing to inflict in their pursuit of righteous justice--humiliating others and causing real psychological damage to people who had been their friends. Most of my friends from those days refuse to talk about it because they fear it will fuel bad-faith right-wing narratives. I am so grateful for your courage and honesty in exploring why otherwise good people were willing to inflict so much pain, and how much this behavior can limit our pursuit of true justice and healthy communities and movements that can build authentic power for those who most need it.
You describe the vicious cycle within this subculture very well! I sympathize with those who fear that speaking out will fuel right-wing narratives because that is what kept me from writing on this topic for so long. However I've come to believe that that fear is deeply embedded in the dysfunction of the subculture: the idea that loyalty, even if superficial, is more important than the truth. I breathe much easier having chosen the latter.
It's interesting to put it this way as I view leftism as having no loyalty at all. If a long term friend can be discarded over a simple Internet comment, then that's the opposite of loyalty.
I definitely hear what you're saying, and agree. I think people in the subculture feel a loyalty towards the social rules they believe make them a good person, and they're willing to sacrifice friendships with actual people in the name of this larger loyalty.
Thanks for writing this piece. It’s something I wouldn’t have had the courage to write. It is horribly disillusioning and isolating to experience this happening and to see the people around you who once were compassionate and intelligent friends all agree that you must be a horrible person for the slightest questioning of orthodoxy will quickly silence the bravest and most earnest souls. Respect, Kier.
Your comment captures the social dynamic so well. This worldview can't hold up to scrutiny, so it tries desperately and viciously to avoid it altogether, and the effects on people's relationships can be devastating.
Big Love, Kier. I remember living those days, too, and am so muchly thankful there are meaningful ways to build up what is good in each other, and gentle ways of guiding us back to our best selves.
You're doing good work, and it is an honor to be your friend
I just recently found your writing and today I was finally read this first "episode". I believe in my first entry I had written about how I've changed my mind about so many things based on listening to others experiences, scientific data and sometimes just changing myself as I age. I really love how you challenged yourself. I'm sure you lost a lot of "friends", been there. Will be reading your second entry today. Good read.
Oh my god! What a horrific experience. Now I understand why you've protested the cancel culture. I just finished reading "Say the right thing" (https://www.amazon.com/Say-Right-Thing-Identity-Diversity/dp/1982181389) The two authors discussed the cancel culture and discussed it at length.
The clearest reason to not join the cancel culture is because everybody will make comments that are suspect (I like humor and I'm sure some things have landed badly despite my attempts at being loving and funny). Approached the right way, about 80% of the people want to do the right thing (20% couldn't be bothered, unfortunately). As UUs, it should be really easy to forgive violators as we supposedly aim to respect the dignity and worth of every person.
That has to mean when they do both good and bad stuff. As Bryan Stevenson reminded us "no one is the worst thing that they've ever done".
Thanks for sharing, Dick.
Kier, I had a similar experience, when I was about your age, after I returned home from the Vietnam War. In Army training you don't question your orders, but towards the end of my tour, I knew we were going to lose. When I got back Stateside, liberals called us "Baby Killers" and the World War 2 Vets called us losers, for not winning our war. While dining at a college cafeteria, a woman tried to get me to go with her to a place, where I could take a test to find out who I really am. I told her I already know I've done bad things, and don't need any written examination. Upon sharing this story with friends, they told me she might have been part of a cult that often visits campuses, trying to recruit young people, who are in flux. Guess one of the benefits about my "Nam" tour was recognizing a BS line ! Glad you are gaining more insight of yourself and providing this platform !
Hey David—what a mysterious moment on campus! I can't imagine how devastating it was to come back from Vietnam to such a reception. But that silver lining, of being able to spot manipulation more readily, sure comes in handy, doesn't it? Nice to hear from you.
I am only a few paragraphs in, but let me tell you, your honesty is healing me word by word 🥹
Oh Magdalena—I’m so glad to hear this!
Wow. I'm appreciating the clarity with which you described this experience! So much of this is exactly like what I went through.
This really hit home--I've watched cherished online communities get torn apart with recriminations which no apology however sincere or abject could satisfy. The sheer speed at which relationships which had lasted years could collapse--the way people could have their entire value as a human being seemingly judged on the basis of a single comment that they didn't understand might cause offense; or to be reviled as worthless or evil for trying to repair relationships or turn down the heat and rebuild the community. It was astonishing how much pain people were willing to inflict in their pursuit of righteous justice--humiliating others and causing real psychological damage to people who had been their friends. Most of my friends from those days refuse to talk about it because they fear it will fuel bad-faith right-wing narratives. I am so grateful for your courage and honesty in exploring why otherwise good people were willing to inflict so much pain, and how much this behavior can limit our pursuit of true justice and healthy communities and movements that can build authentic power for those who most need it.
You describe the vicious cycle within this subculture very well! I sympathize with those who fear that speaking out will fuel right-wing narratives because that is what kept me from writing on this topic for so long. However I've come to believe that that fear is deeply embedded in the dysfunction of the subculture: the idea that loyalty, even if superficial, is more important than the truth. I breathe much easier having chosen the latter.
It's interesting to put it this way as I view leftism as having no loyalty at all. If a long term friend can be discarded over a simple Internet comment, then that's the opposite of loyalty.
I definitely hear what you're saying, and agree. I think people in the subculture feel a loyalty towards the social rules they believe make them a good person, and they're willing to sacrifice friendships with actual people in the name of this larger loyalty.
Impressive. I wish you the best. I think you will make a difference. Let your light shine.
Thanks so much, David!
What you're writing is important. It feels like the tide is turning on this phenomenon.
I am hopeful that it is!
Thanks for writing this piece. It’s something I wouldn’t have had the courage to write. It is horribly disillusioning and isolating to experience this happening and to see the people around you who once were compassionate and intelligent friends all agree that you must be a horrible person for the slightest questioning of orthodoxy will quickly silence the bravest and most earnest souls. Respect, Kier.
Your comment captures the social dynamic so well. This worldview can't hold up to scrutiny, so it tries desperately and viciously to avoid it altogether, and the effects on people's relationships can be devastating.
This is fascinating.
Thanks so much for writing this Kier, it really resonated for me.
It means a lot to hear that, Rae! Thank you.
Big Love, Kier. I remember living those days, too, and am so muchly thankful there are meaningful ways to build up what is good in each other, and gentle ways of guiding us back to our best selves.
You're doing good work, and it is an honor to be your friend
Well said, my friend! The feelings are very much mutual <3
Keep going!
Thank you—I will!