Since a local organization is currently under attack from false allegations of a social justice nature, crybullies have been on my mind, and it’s come to my attention that not everyone knows what the term means.
I really appreciate your caveat about the fact that sometimes abusers can be charming and so true victims may be disbelieved. It pays to be careful when making the assessment of a crybully, but it’s absolutely important to be aware of the possibility.
This might be a little out of turn, maybe it's because of what's been on my mind lately, but I can't help but notice how well your bullet points describe Hamas and their apologists. To a T.
Both religious conservatives and leftist progressives have done this to me. I am only now, years later, making new friends. Someone still shows up and lies to people about me sometimes and they stop answering texts, etc. I like this term for this tactic. Robert J. Lifton's work helped me disentangle myself rather than engage, repeat and deepen the terrible behaviours. I do consider it a cultish tactic and I am glad I recognized and extracted myself when and as I did.
Individuals certainly vary, but groups are a bit more predictable. For instance, cluster Bs 🐝 invariably DARVO, which is a closely related concept to crybullying.
Keep an eye out for the external locus of control: people to whom everything always happens, or happens in the passive voice. In groups, this will involve an unfalsifiably conspiratorial arch-nemesis motivated by pure hatred. Examples include patriarchy, transphobia, antisemitism, systemic racism, the coming Caliphate, the Far Right, and the Deep State—though all are “based on real events,” none exist in the scale, scope, or forms that crybullies claim.
Yes—I think anytime someone uses an explanation from among the ones you listed as a totalizing explainer for every single thing that goes sideways in their lives, something is off.
I know some cluster b-diagnosed people who've worked really hard to learn how to treat people better, so although I don't want to downplay the substantial damage people with such diagnoses can cause, I just wanted to mention this in order to avoid being too essentialist or fatalistic about the topic.
Now that I read this…it’s an explanation and description of Narcissism 101.
Anyone behaving in any of these ways is exhibiting classic narcissist behavior. It’s a better word for them, though, because it’s more school yard and less therapist office. Why should anyone who is so yuck in relating to others get to be called something menacing and kind of cool when we can just point and taunt “billy’s a crybully!”
I don’t support taunting but it’s a nice daydream. BTW, my mother is a crybully AND a narcissist…so they definitely intersect! 👍🏻
I immediately hit the like on the article title alone…because though it’s a new combination of words for me, as soon as I read “crybully”, it made all the ones I’ve endured in life parade thru my mind AND the word cemented itself into my personal dictionary as one of its many missing pieces. Probably took me longer to type this than read the article. 😹
This has been something I have been thinking about lately but didn’t put language on. At the same time part of me wonders if there’s more to the list of how to spot when someone is crybullying. Perhaps each situation will be so unique that it has to be evaluated on its own. In the case of the example you opened your newsletter on, the one perpetuating it has clearly huge power difference with the group the organization helps and has been wanting to the organization down for the longest time so they found the best excuse to do so within a short period of time of being accused themselves to deflect from accountability
I definitely agree with you that each situation has to be evaluated in its own unique context. Any set of criteria runs the risk of oversimplifying, mine included :)
Thank you! Money is often involved, although I find it's often indirect—rather than asking for money due to the "harm", they'll just happen to need financial support right when they've garnered a large amount of attention and sympathy.
I’m not normally a fan of labels, but reading this made me rethink my position. Having a shorthand way of discussing behaviours as destructive as the ones you are alluding to in this article may have a place, as long as the label “crybully” doesn’t itself become weaponized or overused. I recognize the behaviours you are discussing and they can be very toxic to people and organizations if they are not handled correctly.
Before I knew the word “gaslighting”, there was a type of behaviour I was familiar with that I wouldn’t have been able to name. I don’t use the word often, but it has come in handy, especially when trying to understand statements made by people like Donald Trump or Vladimir Putin.
Perhaps the word “crybully” could be useful in a similar way, but I would still prefer a name for the behaviours rather than the person using them. Hmmmmm.
Learned a "new term" for me. But goodness I've met many!
OMG you have hit a nerve here with me. The sister of my husband is a perfect example, she’s accusing him of historical SA… very nasty person
Very useful term! Also thank you for the title photo of the Vaudeville artist. That sent me down an amazing rabbit hole of research.
Excellent article.
I really appreciate your caveat about the fact that sometimes abusers can be charming and so true victims may be disbelieved. It pays to be careful when making the assessment of a crybully, but it’s absolutely important to be aware of the possibility.
This might be a little out of turn, maybe it's because of what's been on my mind lately, but I can't help but notice how well your bullet points describe Hamas and their apologists. To a T.
Thank you for your insightful essay, Kier.
Both religious conservatives and leftist progressives have done this to me. I am only now, years later, making new friends. Someone still shows up and lies to people about me sometimes and they stop answering texts, etc. I like this term for this tactic. Robert J. Lifton's work helped me disentangle myself rather than engage, repeat and deepen the terrible behaviours. I do consider it a cultish tactic and I am glad I recognized and extracted myself when and as I did.
Vulnerable narcissism is on high.
Individuals certainly vary, but groups are a bit more predictable. For instance, cluster Bs 🐝 invariably DARVO, which is a closely related concept to crybullying.
Keep an eye out for the external locus of control: people to whom everything always happens, or happens in the passive voice. In groups, this will involve an unfalsifiably conspiratorial arch-nemesis motivated by pure hatred. Examples include patriarchy, transphobia, antisemitism, systemic racism, the coming Caliphate, the Far Right, and the Deep State—though all are “based on real events,” none exist in the scale, scope, or forms that crybullies claim.
Yes—I think anytime someone uses an explanation from among the ones you listed as a totalizing explainer for every single thing that goes sideways in their lives, something is off.
I know some cluster b-diagnosed people who've worked really hard to learn how to treat people better, so although I don't want to downplay the substantial damage people with such diagnoses can cause, I just wanted to mention this in order to avoid being too essentialist or fatalistic about the topic.
Nice hearing from you!
Now that I read this…it’s an explanation and description of Narcissism 101.
Anyone behaving in any of these ways is exhibiting classic narcissist behavior. It’s a better word for them, though, because it’s more school yard and less therapist office. Why should anyone who is so yuck in relating to others get to be called something menacing and kind of cool when we can just point and taunt “billy’s a crybully!”
I don’t support taunting but it’s a nice daydream. BTW, my mother is a crybully AND a narcissist…so they definitely intersect! 👍🏻
I immediately hit the like on the article title alone…because though it’s a new combination of words for me, as soon as I read “crybully”, it made all the ones I’ve endured in life parade thru my mind AND the word cemented itself into my personal dictionary as one of its many missing pieces. Probably took me longer to type this than read the article. 😹
It's a handy term!
I’d love to hear some more about your involvement with anarchy. I think it would greatly assist in reading your message.
Hi Bill! I appreciate your suggestion and will add it to the ideas pile :)
This has been something I have been thinking about lately but didn’t put language on. At the same time part of me wonders if there’s more to the list of how to spot when someone is crybullying. Perhaps each situation will be so unique that it has to be evaluated on its own. In the case of the example you opened your newsletter on, the one perpetuating it has clearly huge power difference with the group the organization helps and has been wanting to the organization down for the longest time so they found the best excuse to do so within a short period of time of being accused themselves to deflect from accountability
I definitely agree with you that each situation has to be evaluated in its own unique context. Any set of criteria runs the risk of oversimplifying, mine included :)
This is the first time ever that I read "Crybully" and I think it's gonna be this week's favorite word ✨
This is a very thoughtful and honest piece - I was wondering if financial support would come up as a common tactic, and it did!
Thank you! Money is often involved, although I find it's often indirect—rather than asking for money due to the "harm", they'll just happen to need financial support right when they've garnered a large amount of attention and sympathy.
I’m not normally a fan of labels, but reading this made me rethink my position. Having a shorthand way of discussing behaviours as destructive as the ones you are alluding to in this article may have a place, as long as the label “crybully” doesn’t itself become weaponized or overused. I recognize the behaviours you are discussing and they can be very toxic to people and organizations if they are not handled correctly.
Before I knew the word “gaslighting”, there was a type of behaviour I was familiar with that I wouldn’t have been able to name. I don’t use the word often, but it has come in handy, especially when trying to understand statements made by people like Donald Trump or Vladimir Putin.
Perhaps the word “crybully” could be useful in a similar way, but I would still prefer a name for the behaviours rather than the person using them. Hmmmmm.
I’d call the behaviour itself “crybullying” if you’re looking for a way to separate the person from the pattern
Yes!!! Thanks for offering a verb for the behaviour. ❤️